As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Id also add that when youve lived in a place for years and are planning to stay, like I am in my husbands home country, it gets very tiring to have everyone assume youre just visiting or that youre an international student and will be gone soon. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). And take LWs at their word, maybe? Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. The only exceptions are: 1. Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. It happens, even, as above, to straight white cis etc. No way. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. Because it's funny when friends say they'd only run in chased and we know that's perfect because we could run longer. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." How about you? LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. Its mostly me trying to figure out a friends general level of free time and not impose if theyre busy or dealing with a crisis. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. This is how I deal with it: You? (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. Am I? Yes! Lead with the actual invitation. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town.
17 Funniest Running Memes - Which One's Do You Relate To? - RunToTheFinish Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining.
How to Respond to a WYD Text - Sweety High why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. Now when he asks I say party like a rock star. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. That, or non-questions. I still have the same question of why do this? Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). Makes sense. Them: What are you doing this weekend? If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. Good enough. You absolutely can. When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. N- New adventure. Answer accordingly. Good to know!
300 Weekend Captions for Instagram to Salute All Working - getchip And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. We all had too much to drink and passed out at Dan's house!" It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. When I asked him later, What the heck? I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. This one is a bit tricky for me. Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). Youre right, adult people who feel safe and are treated well like adult people probably dont react like that. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. Instead of making it easier for people to say no, people find it makes it harder. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. If it makes you feel better, I did not compare you to my father. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. its BANK HOLIDAY?. I get the where are you from? question all the time. But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? An Australian tech and business journalist echoed this: "Great the new unsolicited email intro seems to be . Shes asked like this a few times. Funny Responses to "What Are You Doing?" I love having something witty, funny, or even sarcastic cued up in response to one of the most common questions asked in any given day. Remember, . If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Texting or sending an email to someone. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. The fact that LW is this bugged about it shows theres a problem and the parent is being manipulative. But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. But sometimes its manipulative, as LW also said. My friends do it alllll the time. Example: What are you doing? I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. "Continue breathing." BTW, the most usual response to that last exchange is, "Works for me!" Depending upon the sophistication of the inquisitor, the final line may be "Continued respiration." Sponsored by Interview Success Formula Job interview secrets revealed. I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. Absolutely! I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. Things have a funny way of working out. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! What are you doing this weekend? For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. What you are currently doing. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Theres still room for her to refuse. This way, you are always busy when those people ask. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. I kind of like your signature line as a response! That takes some skill. Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal.
110 Weekend Quotes to Wish You a Restful Break - Quote Ambition Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. That stuff just wears on people. I dont worry when people say no to me either. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. They also influence how OFTEN. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. All right, good, fine, grand are the normal answers, and then its repeated back. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. Im well aware of that risk. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. I actually have an answer for this one. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. Always? What about you?. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Why not be honest? I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. The hubs and I do the same. 1. Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. I, personally, like to ask what are you doing this weekend, something fun? when small-talking with my co-workers and friends, and I also hate this question with a passion when its a step to an actual invitation (two very different things!). ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. Your turn to tell me what you have in mind!. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. 4. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). I usually just say Im doing laundry. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. Ugh. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Teaching my fish how to swim. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). 8. Whenever people accept this answer, I know I am dealing with human beings who understand their goodness as a constant learning process. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. So I know what youre talking about. Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. 2. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. Thats not cool.. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g.
11 Online Dating First Message Examples That Get Responses - VIDA Select I understand theyre looking for an ice breaker, but its not that interesting to talk about Ill probably get to laundry if Im not too lazy. I wish there was another common conversation starter among people you already know. I love that you are into mountain biking! So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. My ILs do this. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something.